{"id":2551,"date":"2021-11-10T19:41:55","date_gmt":"2021-11-10T19:41:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lossuelos.com\/?p=2551"},"modified":"2022-02-13T19:47:56","modified_gmt":"2022-02-14T03:47:56","slug":"sports-page","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lossuelos.com\/sports-page\/","title":{"rendered":"Blue Dick Ballhawk Baumbach Blocks Turlock Morlocks"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Hometown Heroes Win 3-2 in Extra Innings<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Sports Correspondent (Unofficial) Sofia Haugen<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
A Blue Dick. It is a very pretty flower. I just don\u2019t know why you would name a baseball team after it.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

I am starting this article\u2014as is too-frequently the case\u2014with a formal protest of the Daily Spectacle<\/em>\u2019s editorial policies1<\/a><\/sup>Editor\u2019s Note: We apologize, as always, for Sofia\u2019s outbursts, but she is the only person we\u2019ve found with any interest in sportswriting. If anyone else would like to take over the sports page, please send a writing sample and r\u00e9sum\u00e9 to the Spectacle\u2019s offices, or apply by telephone or in person during business hours. We will get back to you within the hour.<\/em><\/span>, specifically the oft-cited-to-me rule that curse words are not allowed in headlines. Before the heavy hand of my cryptofascist editor came down on this article, the title rhymed much better, and had a more pleasing metrical identity\u2014a full line of trochaic hexameter, calling to mind Poe\u2019s The Raven<\/em>, or the Dies Irae<\/em> of the requiem mass. Now it stumbles after the caesura into a flaccid antipenultimate foot lacking the length and girth of the original \u201cc*ckblocks,\u201d a word you, dear reader, probably use on a weekly basis, but which I am forced to censor. Oh and apparently the Blue Dicks are named after a flower? So \u201cBlue C*cks\u201d isn\u2019t an acceptable synonym either. Anyway, now that that\u2019s over with, let\u2019s talk about the National goddamn Pastime.2<\/a><\/sup>Or so people keep telling me. I tell them that I don’t even really know what “pastime” means, and they just laugh and shake their heads. I’m pretty sure they don’t know either. I would look it up, but I traded my ability to use a dictionary to a warlock for a six-pack and a smoking hot rack. (The beer was some kind of shitty double-hopped IPA microbrew, but the ribs were fucking amazing, so on the whole I’d say it was a pretty good trade.) Now, in hindsight, I probably should’ve just paid the $22.99 plus tax, but I was fucking starving and I left my wallet at home; and it’s not like I, a professionally unprofessional journalist, would ever need to know what words mean.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Saturday was a gorgeous day for a game. A nice cool breeze coming down out of the hills had the stadium at a perfect 73 degrees, and the sky was a gorgeous blue, without any clouds, chemtrails, or\u2014for the first time in almost a month\u2014wildfire smoke to ruin the view. So it\u2019s a damn shame the game was on Tuesday, when it was 85-feels-like-95 and the air quality was so low that nobody could notice I was chainsmoking in the press box. Not that there was anyone to notice, the stadium was totally empty\u2014even Angie, my opposite number at the Turlock Journal<\/em>, didn\u2019t make it down for the game, and her boyfriend is on the Morlocks so she usually comes to all of em. Maybe they broke up. Or she\u2019s dead.3<\/a><\/sup>Editor\u2019s Note: We are Facebook friends with Ms. Angela Milner, and made a special fact-checking trip to the Madera Public Library (which we prefer despite it being a longer drive than a number of other libraries because its publicly available computers are in the basement, far from the sky) to take a look at her profile. She posted a total of thirty-one photographs from the baseball game in question, including twelve selfies, mostly with her <\/em>fianc\u00e9<\/em><\/strong> (congratulations!), Mr. Jesus Vargas. In the background of one of them, taken in the Blue Dicks Stadium press box, Sofia can be clearly seen drinking from a can of Diet Dr. Shasta. We do not know why Sofia would lie about this, and we apologize both to Ms. Milner and to our readers for the confusion.<\/em><\/span> These things happen. So the only actual spectators were myself, maybe two dozen locals, three guys in Turlock colors lurking in the left field bleachers drinking only bottled water and refusing to make eye contact with anyone, & Blue Dicks star pitcher Candice \u201cBulkhead\u201d Fitzgerald, who was sitting this game out\u2014she was halfway through a two-week suspension for (rumor has it4<\/a><\/sup>And by \u201crumor has it\u201d I mean I was eavesdropping outside the locker room when all this shit went down so the rumors were actually started by me. I guess maybe if it\u2019s in the newspaper it\u2019s less rumor and more libel. Well, and it\u2019s not libel if it\u2019s true, so I guess it\u2019s just journalism, baby! All my love to Candice by the way please go on a date with me I promise not to bring my tape recorder.<\/span>) attempting to copy Dock Ellis\u2019 infamous psychedelic no-hitter, allegedly5<\/a><\/sup>My editor insisted on this word, which I would otherwise never use, to prevent us from getting sued to hell and back. But Candice would never do that to us. Both because this newspaper is the only local source of two of life\u2019s necessities, Marmaduke comics and sudoku puzzles, and because she strongly believes\u2014and this is a direct quote, I can give you the cassette tape I recorded it on if you want\u2014that \u201cto remain the servant of the written law is to place yourself every day in opposition to the law of conscience.\u201d Huge fan of Kropotkin, our Candice. Allegedly.*<\/sup>

\n\n\n\n*<\/sup>Editor\u2019s Note: Against all odds, Sofia appears to be telling the truth here\u2014both about Ms. Fitzgerald\u2019s deeply-held anarchist principles and about her attempts to enhance her performance with psychedelics. We are as shocked as you. But in the interest of fairness, neutrality, and not getting the windows of the <\/em><\/em>Spectacle offices smashed with a baseball bat, we will continue to insist on the \u201callegedly.\u201d<\/em><\/em><\/span> substituting peyote and psilocybin mushrooms6<\/a><\/sup>Editor\u2019s Note: We removed a parenthetical remark speculating as to Ms. Fitzgerald\u2019s supplier, as it was not substantiated by any evidence and was defamatory to a number of prominent members of the community. It was also essentially an advertisement for Sofia\u2019s own favorite suppliers of various illicit narcotics. We are struggling to make ends meet as it is, and if Los Suelos\u2019 drug dealers want to advertise their services in the <\/em>Spectacle they will have to pay the same rates as everyone else\u2014and despite what Sofia has apparently told half of the businesses in town, we do not accept payment in kind, especially not when that payment is given to an unofficial volunteer sports correspondent who is not on the <\/em>Daily Spectacle payroll.<\/em><\/span> for acid. She would\u2019ve done it, too, but she wandered out of the stadium during the sixth inning and they had to make a call to the bullpen. Found her down by the river talking to a rock. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Murdoch Morlock (left), about to kill and eat a defenseless senior citizen.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Anyway, she was lurking in the right field bleachers, chugging homemade kombucha and refusing to make eye contact with your humble reporter. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So with the star pitcher benched, the mascot in the county sheriff\u2019s second-nicest cell7<\/a><\/sup>Which you would know already, if someone hadn\u2019t taken out the part where I explained that because it was \u201cdefamatory and inflammatory,<\/em>\u201d a nice rhyming line that I tried to convince Ed*<\/sup> to use in his footnote. He declined. Anyway the mascot, Blue Rick the Blue Dick, or I guess I should say the guy who normally wears the mascot costume, whose name happens to be Rick, got busted for selling weed to high schoolers at an away game. & normally they would just stick the backup mascot, whose name ALSO happens to be Rick, in the suit, but the first Rick was wearing the suit at the time and refused to take it off. So no mascot.

\n\n\n\n*<\/sup>I met Ed the first day I moved to Los Suelos, when I got off the bus with nothing but the clothes on my back, a roaring hangover, a vintage Caesars Palace snowglobe, a mostly-empty bottle of gin, a mostly-full bottle of ouzo, a heavily-annotated copy of Paradise Lost<\/em>, a mysterious scar on my right eyebrow, and fifteen hundred dollars in unmarked, nonsequential ten dollar bills, and headed straight to the newspaper offices looking for work. He didn\u2019t have any for me at first\u2014in fact, he threatened me with a pickaxe, apparently under the assumption that I was some sort of debt collector\u2014but once he learned of my sportswriting pedigree, he was happy to take me on. Or at least not unhappy, which is what matters. Anyway, the point is, he still has not told me his name**<\/sup>. So I call him Ed. Short for Editor. In case that wasn\u2019t clear.

\n\n\n\n***<\/sup>Editor\u2019s Note: Our name is clearly displayed in the masthead, which can be found on the front page of every single issue of the <\/em>Daily Spectacle, except for the Halloween edition, when we replace it with the name of whomsoever we are dressing as that day as a fun little joke. This year, it was Nobel Prize-winning biochemist Selman Waksman, inventor of streptomycin and other antibiotics. Our silliest costume in years.<\/em><\/span>, and one of the hot dog vendors already passed out from heat stroke, the game was off to a pretty f*cking terrible start. The Morlocks\u2019 mascot, Murdoch Morlock, had<\/em> made it to the game, and was doing all sorts of clownstyle bullsh*t, pratfalls and cartwheels and celebrity impressions and a little observational comedy, which eye em oh is really more of a standup thing than a mascot thing, but you do you, Murdoch. I think I fell asleep, because the only thing I remember between Murdoch\u2019s \u201cwhat are those things on the end of your shoelaces\u201d bit8<\/a><\/sup>Aglets. They\u2019re aglets. Everyone knows they\u2019re aglets. God, was that ever funny? In like, the ’90s?*<\/sup>

\n\n\n\n*<\/sup>OK this is Sofia from just before the issue goes to print, I asked the librarian**<\/sup> and they dug up***<\/sup> a VHS recording of an SNL<\/em> episode from several years before my birth where Jerry Seinfeld does the exact same bit, like word-for-word. So Murdoch isn\u2019t even being original with his mediocre observational humor. Shame on you, Murdoch. Shame.

\n\n\n\n**<\/sup>Instead of, you know, googling it. I\u2019ve talked about this before, see like, every article I\u2019ve written since moving here, but it\u2019s total bullshit that there\u2019s no internet in town. I\u2019ve been writing letters to my congressman but he keeps sending back form letters on his predecessor\u2019s letterhead about electromagnetic interference and national security and elves. Oh, sorry, \u201cELF.\u201d Not elves. Which is a bummer because I know where I stand with elves and I have no idea what to do about ELF. I would email him, to at least get a form letter written this millennium, but I don\u2019t have a driver\u2019s license or a car and I can\u2019t get a ride because I have slowly eroded the goodwill of all my acquaintances with my \u201cinfinite supply of fabrications and tomfoolery.\u201d (That phrase is courtesy of my seventh grade report card, shoutout to Mrs. Kaveney, you were so right.)

\n\n\n\n***<\/sup>Uh, not literally. I feel like I need to specify that. They just like checked the card catalog and then found it for me in the multimedia section. There were no shovels, pickaxes, backhoes, etc involved in the retrieval of this tape.<\/span> and the seventh-inning stretch was too graphic to describe in detail but involved Bj\u00f6rk, a four-poster bed, and some hand-crafted leather restraints. I\u2019ll let you fill in the rest. Well, OK, I\u2019ll also specify that I was the one in the restraints, wouldn\u2019t want to give the ladies the wrong idea. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"\/<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

So \u201cTake Me Out to the Ballgame\u201d wakes me up right as Bj\u00f6rk is bringing out the violet wand, and the game\u2019s tied at two runs. I check the box score9<\/a><\/sup>And by check the box score I mean ask the hot dog guy if I can check his box score, and when he says he wasn\u2019t keeping track I go over to Candice and ask her, but she\u2019s still not talking to me because she has been advised by her manager not to speak to the press and especially not to speak to me, so next I ask a few randos in the stands, but they mostly tell me to f*ck off, so finally I swallow my pride and ask the Turlock guys, and they tell me what happened.<\/span> and it looks like the Blue Dicks got one off a line drive in the third, Morlocks hit a homer with a man on first in the fourth, and the home team brought it back with a sacrifice fly in the sixth, setting me up perfectly for two and a half thrilling innings\u2014the ideal amount of baseball.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I did not get my ideal amount of baseball. It took a further seven innings for the game to be decided. I was an hour late for work and almost got fired.10<\/a><\/sup>I work the night shift at the pet store. Most of the time it\u2019s fine, I just sit there watching something from the stack of Animal Planet<\/em> DVDs they keep up at the counter and sometimes break up a scorpion fight but we just got in these parrots that used to live backstage at an opera house and they\u2019ve been doing the Ring Cycle this week so it\u2019s nothing but Wotan and W\u00e4lsungs and Walk\u00fcren all night. I think my boss felt bad for me because he let me design the newspaper ad this week, it should be around here somewhere. Some of my best work.<\/span> But since I value the noble art of sports journalism more than such petty considerations as \u201cfood\u201d and \u201crent,\u201d I stuck it out to the bitter end. Anyway, if I get evicted, I\u2019ll just move into the Spectacle<\/em> office, I already have a blanket-nest set up in one of the supply closets for when I\u2019m pulling an all-nighter and don\u2019t want to drag myself home before dawn.11<\/a><\/sup>Editor\u2019s Note: We were not aware of Sofia\u2019s \u201cnest\u201d in the supply closet. It appears she moved it between writing this article and submitting it for publication; we did not find any blankets, but we did find a small pile of spent whipped cream dispenser chargers (\u201cWhip-It\u201d brand), a heavily dogeared romance novel whose cover features several scantily-clad female vampires menacing a similarly undressed mortal woman (titled <\/em>The Taste Of Her), and an aloha shirt bearing several mysterious stains, the composition of which I chose not to investigate further.<\/em><\/span> Wouldn\u2019t be the first time, either\u2014I got kicked out of the dorms my senior year of college for starting a small fire while trying to synthesize DMT, and also for trying to synthesize DMT, and I lived in the student newspaper office for most of spring semester. I still get nostalgic for those ancient couches sometimes. Anyway, I thought the game would be over in the 12th inning, when I still had time to sprint into town and just barely make it to work\u2014the Morlocks\u2019 shortstop (oh that\u2019s the stuff), Linda Culbert, hit one way out toward the left field fence, everyone was on their feet, we were sure it was gonna be a home run, but then Blue Dick left fielder Z12<\/a><\/sup>Their first name an eternal mystery*<\/sup>, along with their origins, their nationality, and even their gender. One time I overheard some douchebag at the bar ask them what was in their pants, and they just stared at him for maybe ten seconds and then said \u201cghosts\u201d in a vaguely Eastern European accent. Gave me the chills. Oh, and I think \u201cBaumbach\u201d is also something they made up to stick on their uniform, but I can\u2019t be sure. One hell of an outfielder though.

\n\n\n\n*<\/sup>Although I would bet it\u2019s just something like \u201cZvjezdana\u201d or \u201cZbigniew\u201d and they\u2019re tired of Americans mispronouncing it.<\/span> Baumbach leapt up the fence and snagged it just before it left the park. Really a beautiful play. Shame that it made me late for work, though.Finally, it\u2019s the bottom of the 14th. Z\u2019s on third, Manuel \u201cManatee\u201d13<\/a><\/sup>He got his nickname not because he\u2019s fat–he\u2019s not, he\u2019s actually pretty skinny–but because he\u2019s from Florida, and he has a big tattoo of a manatee on his forearm to remind him of home.<\/span> Hern\u00e1ndez, the Blue Dicks\u2019 catcher, is up to bat. A line drive to center field skips off the outfielder\u2019s glove, and by the time she throws it in, Z has scored. The crowd, such as it is, goes wild; and I get the fuck out of the stadium, because as cozy as the Spectacle<\/em> offices are, I think the constant digging sounds from the tunnels beneath my editor\u2019s office would keep me up at night.14<\/a><\/sup>Editor\u2019s Note: The <\/em>Daily Spectacle categorically denies the existence of any such tunnels. We are aware that the <\/em>Daily Spectacle office (a double-wide trailer on the edge of town) is not zoned for a basement, and we would not be so foolish as to attempt to install one ourselves, no matter how loud the whispers of the sky get and how peaceful our sleep is when they are muffled by the soil and stone. We are strong in mind and spirit. We do not have any time for superstition. We will report the news, no matter what the stars and clouds and sun shout at us. We will not dig.<\/em><\/span> Ok that\u2019s enough sports for now, until next time, true believers. Smooches.<\/p>\n\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Sofia Haugen is an award-winning sports journalist, an excellent lover (allegedly), and a graduate of the Hunter S. Thompson Memorial Diploma Mill. She can mostly be found inside the mind of W Griffin Hancock, where she lurks like a psychic parasite, compelling them to think about sports.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am starting this article\u2014as is too-frequently the case\u2014with a formal protest of the Daily Spectacle\u2019s editorial policies.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":31,"featured_media":2959,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[86,85,89],"class_list":["post-2551","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-stories","tag-first","tag-newspaper","tag-unformatted"],"yoast_head":"\nBlue Dick Ballhawk Baumbach Blocks Turlock Morlocks<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I am starting this article\u2014as is too-frequently the case\u2014with a formal protest of the Daily Spectacle\u2019s editorial policies.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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