Ya like cats? Pets! Ya like snakes? Pets! Ya like platypuses, and peacocks, and piranhas of every color? Pets, Pets, PETS!!! Los Suelos’ premiere (and only) 24-hour pet store is seeking young, entrepreneurial spirits to join our eclectic team.

Interested candidates should fill out the application form below and return it to Pets, Pets, PETS!!! at 23 Orion View Rd, Los Suelos, CA. Applicants must have a proven ability to multitask and adapt to rapidly changing inventory in a fast-paced environment. Prior experience with animals is preferred; flexible availability is a MUST. Please include the phrase “Mot juste” in your application to show you are paying attention.

Name (Government)

Name (Chosen)

Pronouns

Age (of Your Soul)

Pet(s)

Current Latitude / Longitude

Why do you want to work for Pets, Pets, PETS!!!?

Have any of your family members worked for Pets, Pets, PETS!!! in the past?

How many members of your family have died in your lifetime?

Zero (0)
1 - 4.5
4.6 - 8
9 +

List your prior work experiences. Have you worked with/ for animals before?

Do you have any special abilities, allergies, and/or ailments we should know about? Do you require special accommodations to work for us?

What kind of animal have you always wanted to sell for money, and why?

Have you ever been attacked, barked at, or threatened by an animal? If so, how did you respond?

How do you handle conflict with people or animals that can’t speak?

Would you sacrifice a limb to feed a starving endangered animal? Which limb, and why?

What would you do with an enhanced smell for blood?

How would you kiss your lover if your tongue could also scrape the flesh off your prey?

I am going to present you with some hypothetical scenarios. Please:

Describe (1) your Action Response and (2) your Emotional Response with ONE word each; the first to come to mind. You are granted an allowance of three extra words across all answers (for those entries that need them). Then, on a scale of 1-3, with 1 being the lowest and 3 being the highest, identify the magnitude to which you feel your Emotional Response.

You step on a camouflaged animal by accident. You look down and find that it is a chameleon, mortally wounded. In pain. Beyond saving.

Action Response

Emotional Response

Emotional Depth (1-3)

You find two incompatible animals cross-breeding in the backroom. You try to stop them, but one pleads to you with its eyes. “Please, Sir.” / “We are in love.”

Action Response

Emotional Response

Emotional Depth (1-3)

A caged coyote starts screaming in the background while you’re trying to help a customer.

Action Response

Emotional Response

Emotional Depth (1-3)

It is the midnight shift and you are alone in the store. A delivery man arrives with a crate of rare, Brood X cicadas. They will not stop shrieking but will undoubtedly sell for a fortune. You check the ledger. There is no such delivery slated for today.

Action Response

Emotional Response

Emotional Depth (1-3)

A tall blonde man in sunglasses tries to recruit you for his “union.” Promises money in exchange for your reputation.

Action Response

Emotional Response

Emotional Depth (1-3)

A customer tells you they thought “anchovy” was a type of vegetable.

Action Response

Emotional Response

Emotional Depth (1-3)

A customer tells you they want to see the manager. You were promoted last night. You are the manager.

Action Response

Emotional Response

Emotional Depth (1-3)

Have you ever…

… Stolen from Pets, Pets, PETS!!! or any of its affiliates?

… Smuggled illegal electronics, telecommunications, or alien technology across county lines?

… Financially supported The Fluppies or similar radical groups’ music?

… Murdered an animal?

… Murdered a human being?

… Lied on a Pets, Pets, PETS!!! job application?

If asked by your employer, would you be willing to commit any of the above crimes?

Availability

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Are you able to work on the following holidays? If a relevant holiday has been omitted, please pencil it in.

New Year’s Day

Yes
No

New Year’s Day (Any Lunar Calendar)

Yes
No

Valentine’s Day

Yes
No

Hexennacht

Yes
No

Eid ul-Fitr

Yes
No

Summer Solstice

Yes
No

Independence Day

Yes
No

USGS Movie Night – Independence Day (1996)

Yes
No

Eid ul-Adha

Yes
No

Church of the Belowdown Ice Cream Social

Yes
No

Labor Day

Yes
No

Halloween

Yes
No

Indigenous People’s Day

Yes
No

Winter Solstice

Yes
No

Christmas Day

Yes
No

Aaraf Afzal, Author at Los Suelos

Jobs, Jobs, JOBS!!!

Pets, Pets, PETS!!!
Application Form

I am going to present you with some hypothetical scenarios. Please:

You step on a camouflaged animal by accident. You look down and find that it is a chameleon, mortally wounded. In pain. Beyond saving.

You find two incompatible animals cross-breeding in the backroom. You try to stop them, but one pleads to you with its eyes. “Please, Sir.” / “We are in love.”

A caged coyote starts screaming in the background while you’re trying to help a customer.

It is the midnight shift and you are alone in the store. A delivery man arrives with a crate of rare, Brood X cicadas. They will not stop shrieking but will undoubtedly sell for a fortune. You check the ledger. There is no such delivery slated for today.

A tall blonde man in sunglasses tries to recruit you for his “union.” Promises money in exchange for your reputation.

A customer tells you they thought “anchovy” was a type of vegetable.

A customer tells you they want to see the manager. You were promoted last night. You are the manager.

Have you ever…

Availability

Are you able to work on the following holidays? If a relevant holiday has been omitted, please pencil it in.

Thank you for your interest! Please slide the form into our application box and expect a response in a few to several weeks.

Aaraf Afzal, Author at Los Suelos

Jobs, Jobs, JOBS!!!

Pets, Pets, PETS!!!Application Form

I am going to present you with some hypothetical scenarios. Please:

You step on a camouflaged animal by accident. You look down and find that it is a chameleon, mortally wounded. In pain. Beyond saving.

You find two incompatible animals cross-breeding in the backroom. You try to stop them, but one pleads to you with its eyes. “Please, Sir.” / “We are in love.”

A caged coyote starts screaming in the background while you’re trying to help a customer.

It is the midnight shift and you are alone in the store. A delivery man arrives with a crate of rare, Brood X cicadas. They will not stop shrieking but will undoubtedly sell for a fortune. You check the ledger. There is no such delivery slated for today.

A tall blonde man in sunglasses tries to recruit you for his “union.” Promises money in exchange for your reputation.

A customer tells you they thought “anchovy” was a type of vegetable.

A customer tells you they want to see the manager. You were promoted last night. You are the manager.

Have you ever…

Availability

Are you able to work on the following holidays? If a relevant holiday has been omitted, please pencil it in.

Thank you for your interest! Please slide the form into our application box and expect a response in a few to several weeks.

Pets, Pets, PETS!!!
Application Form