Pilgrimage to the Hole


Swelldiver Report 1 (4-12-18)

BODY WEIGHT: 185 lb.
Went camping around Indiana Dunes, couldn’t get peyote from the same guy as last time but sweetmercury came through (thanks bud!). Took a single button. An hour later I started seeing big swirls of color, then feeling slightly nauseous. I closed my eyes, and there was water off in the distance. But it wasn’t Lake Michigan, somehow—I’ve been to these campgrounds around twelve times and I know it like the back of my hands. The foliage was different, creosote bushes scattered in the sand, and the water had changed its shape. It was a river. I got up and looked across the new river, and saw a woman. She wore a rope around her waist. I walked holding my hands out. She started reaching for me, but her body, or the rope, was taking her somewhere else. I kept trying to reach her. My legs were like animals trying to sleep. But I kept going. She wanted me with her, I could sense it. But then I started fading back into reality. I tried to grab at a creosote bush, but the yellow flowers crumbled into powder in my hands. I wasn’t sure I was supposed to have it wear off so soon, and I asked for another button, but my friend said it wasn’t a good idea, it had been hours. We went to sleep that night and the next morning I felt a little sick again, and even euphoric. 

Overall I would rate this experience highly. I had some stomach discomfort at first but I did experience the visionary aspect, which was my goal. 

Sweetmercury Report 1 (5-04-18)

DOSE:15 goralPeyote(tea)
BODY WEIGHT: 152 lb.
I got some peyote tea from an old college friend who was in town. I drank it and waited. Soon I drifted away. I saw a river in the distance and went towards it. There were about a dozen voices, singing loudly and I started crying, but then there was a person who just gave me such an immense sense of comfort. I reached out to them but they started to fade into the creosote bushes. They were having trouble moving. It was terrible to see. I wanted to give them the rope I had around my waist, but the rope kept using its tiny hands to push itself away from me. The rope pulled me away, towards the giant hole I had been circling for hours. I circled around for a few more hours, never getting closer to the person, but I was filled with such an extraordinary sense of peace, love, serenity, solidarity, nurturing… I woke up changed. 

Swelldiver Report 2 (7-10-18)

DOSE:10 oralPeyote(button)
185 lb.   
Thank you to everyone who has commented! It’s too coincidental not to be user:sweetmercury who I saw wearing the suit and trying to pull me across the river to the Hole. I thought it might be interesting to maybe try to get back there, so I took a bigger dose this time. I went back to the riverbanks at dusk, then kept going towards the hills. I knew that’s where I had to go. It’s time, I heard a voice shouting. I saw people in suits with chains, hooks, and ropes on them, like they were preparing to be underground for a long time. I told them I could help. Instead of welcoming me to go with them, they just began their descent. Sweetmercury was with them. She tried to get them to help me. I tried to move my legs but was just stuck there as the sun went down. 

I woke up the next morning and didn’t have much time to reflect on it before I had to go back home. I would rate the trip fairly high. But I couldn’t let go of the fact that I couldn’t make it to the Hole. That just didn’t feel right to me. I talked with my friend’s curanderismo, and he suggested I might simply be too afraid of looking within. Maybe if I let go of that, he said, I can go down below with sweetmercury. I didn’t know what to say. 

Sweetmercury Report 2: (7-18-18)

DOSE:15 goralPeyote(tea)
152 lb.  
I wasn’t going to do this again—I was so happy with the first trip. But then I couldn’t sleep one night. I started thinking about the way that person (and I agree with the comments saying it’s probably swelldiver) looked across the river. There was a sadness and bitterness inside them only I could fix, and reaching the Hole felt like the answer for both of us. So last weekend I went to the last bit of forest left near our town, with a friend I trust. We took our doses at sundown and then I went to be by myself. This time, the congregants surrounded me, and they brought me to the edge of the Hole. I looked down, and saw where I was going, and I knew everything in my life had led me here. There was a deep chiming sound all throughout the earth. I knew the way. 

Swelldiver: (8-02-18)

185 lb.   
I took a slightly higher dose along with some terazosin and told my guy not to worry about babysitting me. This time I made it up right to the edge of the crowd before the people in suits stopped me. I kept raising my hands, and they recoiled from me. I saw that powder was spilling from the centers of my palms, and I tried to sweep it up, but it didn’t matter what I did. I tried to get them to explain. Then I saw her, with her suit, ready to go down into the earth. It makes me sick to admit it, but I was angry at sweetmercury. Who said you got to be closer to the source? Why did I have to be punished after traveling all this way? Why was it all easier for you?

sweetmercury: (8-26-18)

DOSE:15 goralPeyote(tea)
152 lb.   
If swelldiver is reading this: don’t go again. I know now what you wanted to see, but it’s just not safe. If anyone knows swelldiver IRL, tell him I went back this time to head him off before he could do something dangerous. I kept screaming his name. The wind took it and brought it down the street, into town. Finally I saw him swallowed up, into a creosote bush that grew up to the sky in an instant. I was being held by the people at the Hole, and it felt more like home than the one I’d grown up in. 

FORUMS > RECENT DISCUSSIONS > swelldiver + sweetmercury?

>>charalambous442: (8-10-21)

hey everyone - we have an answer (kind of) for ppl who were interested in this whole story. joedns23 and i were able to find another user [eriscord:null] who knew swelldiver in college and even went to visit him at home in illinois. we were really concerned after his last few posts so we asked eriscord if she still had contact info. she gave us his phone number and we called and he actually answered. he didn’t sound ok…. i asked if we could send anyone to check on him. he said “yes but don’t expect anyone to find me” which was obviously scary. but he gave us a location. i don’t live far from there so i drove to indiana dunes the next day. when i got there i called him again and he picked up but there was just wind on the other end. i got back in my car to make sure it wasn’t the real wind on the beach. the wind on the other end kept whistling. i waited for an hour on speakerphone before i finally hung up. i didn’t know what else to do. if anyone can tell me what this means, i’m listening. i just don’t know. i’m sorry. i thought i would have a different answer for everyone, after all this time. 

Featured image by Allison Mick.

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Alyssa Greenberg

Alyssa is a fiction author living in Brooklyn with her fiancé and cat. When not at work, she can be found cycling, gardening, or collecting art, books and records.